i cleared up the slates.

goodbye.

shoegaze then....

finally. ♥

most people went out of their way to celebrate 8.8.8

it's just numbers

but anyways

i had my own celebration too.

and you know what i did?

i slept the whole day!!! :)

hahahah.

for me that's something worth blogging about.

i missed my stuffed toy chopper and my pillows. and my blankie. and of course my bed.

i've been spending my nights sleeping on carpeted floors with just a sleeping bag.

well, that's 8.8.8 for me.

congrats to ams for the album launch. can't wait to listen to the cd. :)

as much as i want to do an update here in multiply or maybe just rant. i know i cant do it here  anymore. i hate this ambivalence. i remember last month, i was dreamy and all and i made a mid year resolution. fart. resolutions. whether made at the start of the year or at the half of it doesnt make that much difference. resolutions will still be resolutions. fuuuck, this coming months, it's going to be all about what i want. well, i dunno. see? confusing.


i hate being in limbo.

i'm just going to blog on another site...


any suggestions?

minsan naiisip ko kung tatayo ba ako at tatakbo para manghabol ng mga tao. kaso umiiral na naman yung katamaran ko. o kaya siguro wala lang kwenta yung mga bagay na gusto ko kaya maghihintay na lang ako na ako na lang habulin ng mga bagay na marahil ay magugustuhan ko kung hahabulin talaga nila ako. kaya ngayun. matutulog na lang ako.


labo.

im back!

 

i promised myself i will not post pathetic entries again here up for public scrutiny, but i just have to vent this out: i don't want to have nightmares anymore. this is what's been keeping me awake and giving me only two hours of sleep every day since last week. and it's not even funny. sometimes i do random crazy stuff because of lack of sleep. so there i was, sleeping on my bed, thinking that maybe i'll be saved from that since this is a sunday and i was hoping that i'll get a good sleep tonight. no, here i am, fresh from waking from that (glad i was able to wake up from that  ), ranting at multiply, it's almost 2 0r 3 i guess in the morning. and i won't probably get to sleep again. shooot...

and do not even ask me what happened in my dream...

 

 

hello multiply land and my dear one or two readers! :) a lot, again, has happened this past couple of days. okkkay. so ahm, lets see? where should i start? i'm feeling quite nauseous right now so i guess it's much more advisable to do it by days because if im gonna write what's on y head right now, it's not gonna make sense. so here it goes.

friday: a bump in the head. i will never ever forget malen's boyfriend, fabs, as long as i have this tiny scar on my forehead. haha. malen's bf decided to drive us home and he was driving quite fast on regalado avenue and there was a hump. i literally bounced at the back of his car and oh, my head bumped to that handle, the one's near the windows, i do not know what people call that. i was incoherent for a few seconds and i could actually feel like as if a horn (but really, i do have one. ahm, no, two) had just grown on my forehead. and it has a bruise on it. i had trouble sleeping that night. and its a good thing i do have bangs because i can hide it. until now it still hurts. but the swelling's gone.

saturday|sunday|monday. : i was sick as a dog. my mom had to rush me to the hospital and it wasn't a really nice experience. no wonder aaron didn't want to be confined in that hospital when he had dengue. i think my condition went from bad to worse because of the emergency room. really. and the nurse was fucking annoying. he was telling me that he'll make me go through a PT because i was delayed and in fact, still am, with my mom just beside me. good lord. though i was completely drained that time, i wanted to strangle him. a few more doctors checked me and after that, i was discharged without completely knowing what was the reason i was sick. they just gave me a lot of antibiotics. and i dunno. those medications are not doing me good. i know.

tuesday|wednesday|thursday|friday: although i'm still not feeling well, i decided to go to school. it's quite boring at home. just watching tv. i only have two hours of sleep a day cause i am really having a hard time trying to go to sleep lately. i'm always having nightmares. most of the time, my mind is completely blank. that must be the effect of the medications. i had my first duty yesterday and i came straight from work, and i didn't even feel tired at all. and actually, for the first time, thinking about that person doesn't hurt anymore. so i said to myself: "so this is what a zombie feels like?" but boooy, i was wrong... when i came home, i thought that maybe eating a large meal before sleeping would help. but stilllllllll. i cannot sleep. i couldn't help myself but think of that person. and the (maybe) effect of the drug which is i am completely devoid of all feelings was gone. so you know, the pain feels fresh again. i know, it is hopeless. but. nevermind. i was quite open with the idea that it's okay to feel this way, like a zombie. but why am i still doomed to have those feelings? fuck love.

my hope is dwindling along with my failing immune system....

 

why the devil and i have the perfect relationship:

like a hook and an eye.

we fit.

for he's cunning and i am gullible.

walls.

i won't let anyone in again.

okkkaayyy. so a lot of things happened in the past few months that i guess, is prompting me to do a hundred eighty degree turn. i dunno, really. but i really do need to change. especially with the way i think... ooops. hahaha. so i made a list of things that i really need to work on:

 

1. IN PATIENCE WE LIVE. Before I begin babbling about this, I would just like to put a disclaimer. IN PATIENCE WE LIVE is a title of one of the albums of Imbue No Kudos, wala lang, wouldn't want to be called a plagiarist. :) Aside from the special meaning of the song. I always find my self thinking that maybe, if I had been more patient, if I hadn't jump into things recklessly, if I had waited more, things would have turned out differently. And when I say differently, it means better than what I have or do not have now. But enough with regrets. :) At least it taught me how to wait. I mean, I do know how to wait... Who doesn't? But what I was trying to say is to wait patiently, waiting without counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or worse, years.

2. READ MORE! Okay, so I am planning to buy one Haruki Murakami book tomorrow or maybe on Thursday. I really need to read. I always get iffy when people display a broader range of adjective than I do, which made me come up with No.3.

3. BE HAPPY AND CONTENTED. I can still remember Rhoel's message when he was trying to knock some sense into my lethargic brain. To look into one's self, forget your weaknesses and compensate it with your strengths. He also told me that the problem with me is my happiness lies on the things that I do not have. And I usually get drowned with my insecurities. I remember me asking, The Devil, when he brought runes and I secretly asked, "Will I ever achieve contentment?" And, although being the dark person that he is, he said yes. I dunno. I know I shouldn't rely on frivolous things like that. But I know it's up to me if I do really want to be happy. And I want to. Cause life is meant to be happy. :)

4. STOP PLANNING. I do not need to elaborate on this. But, let me. Ha ha. Hmmmm. Well, nothing really, but it's just that I had associated planning with disappointment. Ha ha. I am not telling you planning is bad or it wouldn't do you good or you'll get disappointed. Just think of what could have happened to this world if there's no planning. Ha ha. But, again, what's wrong with me is, I do not believe. I expect. That is why. Aaron said I am too strategic. What I need is spontaneity! Ha ha. Which I have to again, balance, because I might act on impulse again which would clash with No.1.

5. KNOW THYSELF. I know this is kind of weird, out of my nineteen years of existence, I still do not know myself. You should have noticed that by now, because, look up, did you notice that I mentioned "Blah Blah said that..." twice? Really, I do not know myself. I only know one adjective to describe me: ambivalent. Which I guess, is an area that I need to work on to.

6. REMEMBER ICARUS. I have always been amazed with Greek philosoply and literature since time immemorial. And I guess, it's just proper that I, at least, incorporate one of their beliefs or values which is: always strive for moderation.Remember Daedalus and Icarus? I don't want to bother writing the whole story here. Me being ambivalent, I am always thwarted with two opposite extremes. Which sometimes confuse people. I can actually use Psychology's Behavioral Approach to further explain what I am trying to get across, but never mind, that would just make this toooo long, and, I wouldn't want to bore you guys. It's just that whenever something bad happens because of one of my ugalis... I always tend to develop the opposite, then something bad will happen again, then I redevelop the opposite again, then, it becomes a vicious cycle. So maybe, remembering what happened to Icarus would help me stop that.

7. STOP MAKING RESOLUTIONS AND START LIVING A LIFE. Which is what I've been doing this past few days. :) HA.

this is why i hate having too much free time... i couldn't stop those negative thoughts to slander what i was trying to build this past few days: positive thinking.

i don't know why people keep on treating me this way. i do know i have issues, i have an attitude problem, but why can't they just accept me or leave me alone? why do they have to go all out in expressing their remorse for me. behind my back. i know i've been doing loads of stupid stuff at work and my one month immunity is coming to and end. but why me? why condemn just me? another thing that i cannot accept is how that stupid excuse of a person pretend that i am his friend. fuck. nevermind.

during times like these, i only run and rant to one person. that's why i am missing him like hell. i can actually talk to him right now, but i know i would rather die than swallow my pride and talk to him. and i have to bear in mind that that was the reason why he went away. or that pushed him away. my ranting. anyways, this is what blogs are for. for ranting. so again, my dear one or two readers, you don't have a choice.

i miss you. i really do...

FUCK YOU.

 

 

P.S.

I'm sorry my dear one or two readers but this is the largest and boldest FUCK YOU that multiply is allowing me to put here.

P.P.S

Again, fuck you. Take all your crappy excuses and your retarded ass out of my life. I don't need your fiendship. Pun, of course, is intended.

I still have three more semesters to get used to this ceiling. I miss my old ceiling, but I guess it's a good thing that we moved out of that house. I am spared of the pain of looking at the same sight and not feeling the same way when I had started to love the person I was talking to while looking at it.

My new refuge is full of old and odd things. There's an old chair that looks like it would have been my Lola's favorite lounge, old cabinets that's full of frivolous things, my Lolo's golf club and tennis rackets, and other stuff that was forgotten by time. My cousin was making a big fuss out of how I can sleep and dwell in that room. I just ignored her. I actually like my new seedy abode.One might call it a bodega. A room where has-beens are dumped. Well, you might say, this for now, is the right place for me. But every night, looking at those things makes me weary and think like, "Will I end up like these things? Just trashed and forgotten after I have served people my purpose?" I would then remember one of the things I learned in Philosopy. That no matter how hard you try to be famous, kind or even evil, or whatever it is that you are aiming for to be known in this world, in the end, you're still just one tiny speck of the myriad things in these world. Completely unimportant and irrelevant. Taking off from that tought my mind would then go to those thoughts that I have been trying to surpress. Of regrets that I am trying not to regret. Cogitating of things I shouldn't have done. Words that I shouldn't have said. Feelings that I shouldn't have expressed. Messages I shouldn't have sent. Things that I shouldn't have given. I would force myself then to stop, and think about what happened to Lot's wife. Never look back. My mind would then drift to other things until I finally doze off. Waking up. Some people might have a bad morning if they're in my place. But for me, I don't. I've actually found my fairy tale. Seeing these old things every morning gives me the drive and strength to strive not to end up like them.

I am just grateful for the people that I usually spend my time with right now. They give me a feeling that I am special. That I am liked. That I do have worth.

I am actually working on two things right now:
1. To be someone that people won't just throw in their "bodega."
2. To continue working on my garden, put a few more seeds in it, and to not concentrate on just one single flower.

The world seems to burst with things that my little mind cannot understand. Every nook and cranny is brimming with mysterious stories that my niggardly cognition won't be able to comprehend. But I want to know their secrets, and I am trying to keep my eyes wide open despite my blurring eyesight.

i remember putting "for some weird cosmic reason, everything seems to be falling into place..." for my friendster profile shout out a week ago. that time, i thought that i had everything i need. well, i do, but, i guess, i just spoke too early. and i didn't know that with in a span of nearly a week that i would lose something that matters a lot to me.well, that's the understatement of the year. but, again, on the brighter side, im really grateful that i feel so numb because of that loss, because im going to lose another thing that's very important to me right now, and, i don't feel scared or rattled at all. the people around me was asking me how can i deal with it so nonchalantly. well, i don't know. is it apathy? probably not. i know, deep down, it is not. or maybe its because i am not scared anymore to be stripped off things that i hold my dear life on to. i am not complaining. i am definitely not complaining. like what i said earlier, i am grateful.

so to whoever's up there or down there who manipulates these strange cosmos i am living in: bring it on, i don't care if you'll bombard me more with your tests or challenges. it doesnt matter.i can endure it. i can.

this is definitely not a front.

" you attract what you want, but you attract more what you fear."

you only have twenty six days left.

i promised someone that i would write about this thing we're sharing but what we're exactly experiencing right now is very new to me. well, very is an understatement. but at least he proved what the villain thought i was: heartless.

i couldn't think of a proper beginning for this entry so i sought for cheesy love quotes. but hell. you know i'd rather be anything but cheesy. but this one got me:

love is a serious mental disease.

it was from plato. and you know how i dig greek philosophy shit.

well if this is really some sort of mental disease. i don't want to be cured. although it made me eat my words and  betray my predisposed beliefs. it was worth it. no. he was worth it.

i'll stop here. to tell you the truth, i can't write about it. because words pale in comparison.

i love you. ♥

i am quite sure that i've done something unforgivable in my past life that's why the entire cosmos is conspiring to make my present life miserable.

okay, im just exaggerating. but what i've been through this past few days is just too much.

and what makes it worse is there's a pdts gig tonight and this coming friday. and it's hell week (read: exam week) and i'm broke.

oh god, somebody save me please.

i just saw what you did. you really are pathetic. i don't know. i kind of wished that there's still hope for you. hindi ka talaga magpapatalo.
~
updates:
i'm quite happy. i don't know. train makes me happy. haha. it was actually weird kanina, kasi i was just listening to narda then i started crying. maybe caused by unexplained loneliness. heck. well. looking at the bright side. for some weird cosmic reason, everything seems to be falling into place.

disclaimer:
despite my constant denial, i am still writing.

LSS:
"It means everything (tama ba?) just to hear you say to me, that i was right and you were  wrong it's not that hard, go on go on."

Shout out to sel:
punta ka naman sa bahay, please... gupitan mu si train ng nails. ang dami ko ng kalmot.
saka nuud tayo queso bukas, please... mwah.

Bengz:
Walang load, sensya na. Hindi ako nawala. Drama mu dung. Hatid ko mamaya. Thanks. Penge pa kaming tickets for the gig tomorrow. What time ba ang start? I was hoping to catch the last full show of HP sana before pumunta ng gig. Wah. Excited na ko sa july 19! Saan ba yung rj bar? Baka maligaw tayo!

O_o Lilipat na kami! woo.